Hammock

2002-03-26 - 2:04 p.m.

Oh, my kingdom for a hammock.

I have it set in my head now that a hammock in the back yard would solve all of my problems. Kicking back with a beer and a book in the gently swinging sunshine would pay off my debts, help me lose 15 pounds, spice up my love life, get me a raise, remove moles, clear up my sinuses and make julienne fries in only ten minutes!

A hammock seems to be the absolute antithesis of a cubicle, and frankly, that's exactly what the doctor ordered.

If I had a hammock, people would come over and gush about it. "Oooh, nice hammock!" "It's so big!" "Can I touch it?" Then I'd be like, "Sod off, you screw!" and I'd spray them with the garden hose like I was in a Dre video with a 40.

A hammock would improve my basketball skills more than the new Jordan's. It would prevent hair loss. It would make my whites whiter and my brights brighter.

Dammit, I want a hammock.