Touched by an Angel

2002-03-28 - 1:33 p.m.

The warm sun is like Eden's snake to my workday. Perhaps the fact that my workday isn't all it's cracked up to be helps.

Have you been following the news as it pertains to the Catholic Church lately? Apparently there's been an epidemic of homosexual pedophile priests going around for, oh, the past 40 years or so. Well, who'dve thunk it? The blasphemous false idolatry that is the Pope feels almost bad about it all too. Of course, it's only in America that this happens because America isn't strict enough in it's mores, so says the holiest of assholies.

Apparently it also bothers the Vatican that in this time of confusion, parishioners are looking toward the media for their news, instead of the Church itself. Let me see if I've got this straight: Father Oscar Meyer is a multi-generational pedophile with a hit list longer than Wilt Chamberlain's and his confused disciples are supposed to sit through more of his bullshit to find some sort of solace in this? Is now the appropriate time for outrage, or should we wait until the offering plate is passed around?

Time magazine poses the question, "Will the Catholic Church survive?" I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that millions of Catholics will suddenly wake up from their brainwash induced hereditary belief system and come blinking into reality as if seeing for the very first time. I'd like them all to see what an asinine market they put all their spiritual stock into, full of hypocrisy and secrecy and pretentious hierarchy. I'd like parishioners to start talking about how the Church is just a really big business, with a code of ethics worse than Hitler's. I'd like altar boys everywhere to learn to masturbate on their own, without aid and demonstration from theoretically trustworthy theologians.

I'd like all of this, but it won't happen. The "traditional wisdom" of the Church will prevail and the scared millions of misled automatons will not lose faith in their greedy, child molesting, hate monger of a God.

The best we can hope for is that little Johnny Q. Public will think twice next time his balls are in Father Pete O'Phile's hands and the Church is saying that "God works in mysterious ways."