Letter to William Clinton

2002-04-29 - 9:01 a.m.

Dear Billy C,

Hey buddy, how's it going? I know I haven't called in a long time, things have been pretty crazy here. Everything's settling back down for the time being, so I thought I'd drop a line.

Remember that time you got in trouble for getting oral? Man, that was funny. I don't blame you though, big girls need love too. Besides, I'd take you getting your swerve on over these new guys any day. Did you know that Dick Cheney was in charge of a company called Halliburton? That's the company that re-established Iraq as a leading exporter of oil after the Gulf War. I mean, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that sounds like a sort of conflict of patriotic interest to me. At least the blow jobs you were getting weren't from terrorist leaders who want our country to burn in hell.

Do you still go to church every Sunday? I was pretty devout for a while there, but I'm not so sure anymore, what with the Catholic shenanigans and all. At least the Pope has swung in on his divine vine and we can rest assured that swift justice will be served. I was worried there for a bit that all of us sheep were going to have to fend for ourselves, but luckily that senile wrinkle-fest has got things under control again. I can't wait for Archbishop Law to come back, his hands are silky and soft, yet they dominate me the way I love to be dominated.

Have you heard the latest about Enron?? Me either, my attention span is way too short for that kind of crap. Ooooh, the rich minority stuck it in the collective ass of the working class...AGAIN! I mean, who cares? I'm waiting for the Playboy issue with the women of Enron, but not for the articles (wink wink)!

I miss you Bill, I haven't felt the same since you left. You weren't perfect, but you were like a friend to me. Nowadays, I can't trust anyone, you know? There's no charismatic, amiable, favorite-uncle figure around anymore. We got one guy in bed with the oil-elite that want us dead, and the other guy's a cokehead in an administration that's blaming terrorism on drug use.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway, say "hi" to the missus.

Your friend,

dug