Control Freaking

2002-05-06 - 12:44 p.m.

I'm a control freak.

I don't like major surprises. I like kidding myself into thinking that I know what's going on, and what's going to happen. I like time to think things through.

Right now, I can't even pretend. Several different facets of my life are being proven to be completely out of my control. The pleasant castle of self-delusion that I built to feel safe, to feel happy, to feel like I was king of something, is under siege by reality.

There's two sides to me. I have one side that doesn't worry about anything. My inner James Dean, the Cool Hand Luke half of my brain. The other side over-thinks, over-analyzes, shuts my gut instinct up when it's positive, and gives it a megaphone when it's negative.

Right now, my inner James Dean is getting in a car crash, the Cool Hand Luke half of my brain is getting thrown back into jail.

See, what we have here, is a failure to communicate.