Star Wars hates you

2002-05-21 - 2:59 p.m.

I've seen the new Star Wars movie twice now, and I only have one complaint. It's kind of a big one, as it really takes away from the whole 2 hour and 22 minute experience. It's by no means Mr. Lucas' fault though. The thing that screws the movie for me is the fans.

Yup, the fans. What a bunch of pathetic losers. I've never heard so much uncomfortable laughter at a kissing scene in my life. These middle-aged, pimply, dragon-loving Boo Radleys wouldn't want me laughing at them kissing their life size cardboard cut-outs of Xena or Scully, would they? I think not.

The absolutely moronic banter that goes on amongst these chuckleheads after the ending credits start rolling is just the type of stupidity that fries my, well, bacon. "They give Shaft a light saber and couldn't give him one memorable line." If you're the type of movie-goer that recognizes "Shaft" as being Samuel L. Jackson's definitive role, I offer these words of advice: staple removers are only 20 cents, so less than a quarter will get your head out of your ass. I'll loan it to you.

It's ridiculous to hold each new episode in this saga to some unprecedentedly high expectation. If you go back and watch the original movies, they suck. As far as movies go, every Star Wars sucked. Mark Hamill can't act for shit. The dialog has been crap for 25 years now (yub-yub, ooteegee, I'll never join you!!!). It's always been the fable, the special effects, the campiness, and John Williams genius that makes these movies good. Just because you nit-picking bastards aren't 8 years old anymore doesn't mean this new movie isn't as good as the old ones.

I can't stomach when fans think they know more about what's good for something than the people actually doing that something. Fans ruined the Beatles, fans ruined beat movement, and fans ruined Star Wars.