The End...

2003-05-21 - 8:13 a.m.

"I would never do that to you, I'd never lie to you like that, I'd never hurt you like that" she scolded me as she rubbed my face in the no longer steamy pile of shit I did 3 years ago. Right up until the bitter end, she made me feel terrible.

Then, it turns out, she had been lying. She apparently WOULD do that to me.

It's not fucking him that bothers me, and it isn't even the fact that she lied to me. It's not really the fact that I unknowingly lied to friends of mine, because I so believed she never would lie to me. No, it's the fact that she would guilt trip me, that she would tell me what a terrible person I was, when all along she was a hypocrite.

I feel like I've been robbed. I feel like someone broke into me, took everything, and left by the most painful orifice she could find.

I'm a chump, folks. I placated her insecurities day in and day out, while she usurped my self esteem. I didn't just let her lead me to a river of self-hate, I gulped it up. I filled 50 gallon drums with it. I bathed in it - fuck - I was Goddamned baptized in it.

I don't hate sinners. I love them. Some of my best friends are sinners. What I do hate is the moral knights in shining armor that look down their noses at us common sinners, then behind closed doors have gambling problems, drink too much, hit their wives, steal, manufacture shite clothes in faraway sweatshops while they banter innocently with Regis. I'm talking about you Bill Bennet. I'm talking about you Kathy Lee. Be you, do what you do (to quote the Dr. Pepper commercial), but don't make people feel bad about themselves. Don't make others suffer for wrongs you yourself commit.

Maybe the lying does bother me, because it went on for almost two years. It bothers me now because when I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I have to wonder: how many more were there? how could someone be so cruel? and worst of all: did she ever really love me?

No, she clearly didn't.

So now I have to pick it up, put it back together. I have to apologize to an old friend, who I argued with up and down that there was no way my morally perfect girlfriend fucked her boyfriend, a guy I character assassinated when all along the wolf was in my bed.

The sad ending here, the part that really gets my panties in a bunch, is that she'll never understand. It'll never make sense to her how badly she hurt me. In her mind, it was still all my fault, but the statute of limitations on that shit is long past. Shit, she thinks she was "protecting" me. People are like trees in that regard, honey, you don't protect them by cutting them down.

Victim? Fuck no, you're a pedophile priest. You're a crooked cop. You're O.J. Simpson.

And while she rides off into the sunset on her white steed, preaching the gospel of how bad I was to her, and what a loser I am, I take comfort in the fact that my friends, my real friends, know one word she'll never comprehend: Loyalty.