Sucker

2002-05-09 - 1:14 p.m.

In talking with people here in Friscopolis, in interacting, telling my tale, chatting it up, I've come across something about me I never really thought of before. I'm apparently obscenely good to my friends.

That's what folks tell me. I'm more giving with my money, my time, my patience, than most people would be (again, this is the impression I'm getting, a general consensus as it were). People marvel over how long I'm willing to put up with inconveniences in the name of friendship.

I never really thought about this sort of thing. If I can do a little something that will make a big difference to someone, I usually do it. I like to maximize other people's utils (utils are the unit by which the pleasure you get from something is measured).

Until I moved out here, I assumed that this would be an admirable quality to have.

Nowadays I'm not feeling like it is. I hear things like: "walk all over," and "use," and "sucker." I'm starting to think about the proverbial "mile" that is taken when all I intended to give was an "inch." It's undeniable that people close to me have gotten used to this characteristic. What I thought of a strength is clearly becoming a weakness.

So, I'm wondering when I'll be able to stop. When do I get to cash in on all this banked Karma, and is there interest? Will I get my Karma back lump sum, or in 26 annual payments?

To be honest, I'm a little scared to shut people down. I'm not entirely sure I have the balls to, yet. I say "yet" because I don't think I'm going to keep going on like this much longer. The things I want out of life are becoming more expensive, more complex, more selfish as I get older. I can feel my patience for my generosity quickly reaching its vanishing point.

And perhaps that's my Karma payoff, perhaps my reward is an uninterrupted time of generosity to myself.

We'll see, soon.