The Wedding

2002-06-18 - 9:04 a.m.

What I learned at my brother's wedding:

First, a good plan for a wedding is to have a plan in the first place. Make up how you want it to go, tell everyone involved the same plan (tell them all at the same time to expedite the process). The ceremony is only about 15 minutes, so it shouldn't take long to get everyone to walk and stand and sit in the right place. Note to self: Groom on the RIGHT, Bride on the LEFT.

Second, remember the ring. The ring is an integral part of the symbolism of the wedding. If you asked your bride which she would rather you forget, the ring or your pants, she'd probably think "ring" before she thought about Aunt Ethel seeing her only niece's soon-to-be husband's pale chicken-legs and holy boxers (not the underwear favored by pedophile priests, but rather more like Swiss cheese).

Third, when it's all said and done, and it's smoochy time, keep it brief. This isn't a Guns & Roses video. You're getting married, so everyone already assumes you fuck, there's no need to demonstrate right there.

Fourth, when the other party's folks come over and say the obligatory "Welcome to the Family!" try not to let it show that such a comment will resurrect your lunch.

All in all, I had a great time at the wedding. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed my short term as the best man. I hope for nothing but clear skies ahead for my little bro and the newest Mrs. Bacon. They're good kids and I wish them luck.

Love.