Telly Tubby

2002-06-25 - 8:57 a.m.

I'm getting tubby. No, that's a lie actually, I'm already there.

Why do they call a nicely toned stomach a 6-pack when it's the friggin' 6-packs that made me fat? That and the delivery. See, where I grew up, you could only really get pizza delivered. Here, you're just phone call away from pizza and Chinese and diner food and even KFC. Oh what bliss.

So, yeah, I'm 24, eating like I'm 15 still. Am I as active now as I was when I was 15? I'm sitting in front of a computer right now, aren't I?

And there you have it basically, I need to exercise. That's not such an easy prospect though. I hate running, absolutely loathe it. I don't like race-walking either, primarily because you look like a Frankenstein movie on fast forward. I'm not paying $70 a month to belong to one of the chic gyms in this city. Frankly the last thing I need is to be around a bunch of over-privileged, narcissistic white people who want to look better in their pastels and khakis, sweatin' to the stock ticker. My back yard isn't big enough for a pool, and I'm afraid of public pools since I watched Caddyshack the other day. Mmm, love that cable TV.

Well, there's my answer right there. The TV keeps me inactive, keeps that beer in my middle, keeps my ass on the couch. The TV is trying to kill me. I will fight the TV, I will beat it at it's own game. I will get an exercise bike and ride at the TV everyday. 30 minutes 3 times a week is considered a decent aerobic workout routine. Thanks to syndication, there's a lot more for me to watch than three sitcoms a week.

Yes, I will look into this. Pricing, researching, shopping around. Perhaps even the thrift store near me has a beat up stationary bike for cheap.

I will have my cake, Mr. Television, and I will eat it too, and with any luck, I will lose weight doing it.