The First Rule of the File Center Is: You do not talk about File Center

2002-06-28 - 8:51 a.m.

Let's pretend you're a moron.

You've worked here for a while, and someone new gets hired. They make more than you do, even though you've been here longer, because that's how the market works. Your underevolved monkey brain doesn't grasp that, so you take personal offense. Let's say you're a Moonie, for the sake of this hypothetical story. So you've got a chip on your shoulder now, you think the new guy got hired for more money because you're a Moonie. You'll show him! You hatch a plan to make this guy's life miserable. You stop doing your work, so he has more work to do. You start making complaints about him to the bosses. You boss him around, touting your many years in this pathetic line of work as "seniority."

But, as we're pretending you're a moron, this all backfires. You stop doing your work, so he has more to do, but he gets it all done, essentially proving that you are a useless part of the company -- an expendable expense. Getting rid of you would make everyone else's X-mas bonuses bigger. The complaints you're making are falling on deaf ears because the new guy is excelling at his job, thanks to your bitter laziness. The complaints that do get through are applied to the whole firm, the administration cracks down on upholding its policies. As things get stricter, employees are getting pissed off, and we all know it's your fault. Your efforts to boss anyone around fall miserably short (there's a reason why you've been working the same job for so long and not been promoted to any sort of managerial position). In effect, you're forced to face the fact that you're the bottom rung, a peon, regardless of the many years you've half-assed worked here.

Madder and madder you get. Your co-workers are already devising plans to get you fired, and when they succeed, you'll be stunned.

Admit it though, you stupid screw, you deserve what you get.

You can stop pretending you're a moron...any time now.