Game Shows

2002-08-22 - 3:01 p.m.

So I just came up with an idea for a game show. It blends the new style dating games and Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I call it "Who Wants to be a Boyfriend"

Here's how it goes. You have a dude, sitting in a chair in the middle of a circular arena, across from Regis, or some other annoying TV personality (Richard Simmons will do, I don't think he's busy). The dude gets asked a bunch of relationship oriented questions or problems, which increase in difficulty (sensitivity, insanity, whatever). While the questions are being asked, the dude has the option of getting help from his 3 different lifelines: the audience, a 900 number psychic (the call will be billed to the contestant), and a panel consisting of his ex-girlfriends. If the dude wins, which is a statistical near impossibility, then he gets to have a girlfriend.

The girlfriend is the winner of another game show I'll be running on Fox this fall called "Adam Wants His Rib Back." This show is basically like the Chair and Fear Factor. The female contestants are seated in a number of booths, each with a television. The ladies are hooked up to a machine that monitors their heart rate and brainwave activity. Then, via the TV's, the ladies are shown several different forms of stimuli (a sale at Nine West, dirty dishes, a guy forgetting the anniversary of the first time he and his girlfriend watched Titanic together, et cetera). The girl who wins is the one who remains the calmest throughout the various stimuli, good or bad. In the event of a tie, there'll be a constructive criticism face-off, where the host of the show (who is actually a man randomly picked out of the audience nightly) will tell the two tied contestants that they nitpick too much, dress too provocative, flirt with other boys too much, are too materialistic, and whatever other bullshit he can come up with. There will be a door erected on the stage. In front of the door will be a table with a collection of baseball cards and Playboys. The first girl to buckle under the barrage of nonsensities, and either slam the door, burn the cards and magazines, or kick the host in the lovesack, loses.

I think these shows will be hugely successful. First, they do the great service of uniting levelheaded, rational women with sensitive, intelligent men. Second, shows like Survivor, Fear Factor, the Chamber, the New New Newlywed Game, and so on have proven that the American public will watch whatever steamy pile of shit the networks tell them to.