Come Sunday

2003-01-21 - 12:53 p.m.

I'm psyched.

The football season is drawing to a close, but in a much more acceptable fashion than last year. Anyone who isn't a New England Patriot's fan knows what I mean. The playoffs seemed a bit rigged last year, with the Patriot's winning (convenient that the "Patriot's" win the first post 9/11 Super Bowl) against teams that were clearly better, mostly through officiating that was fishier than the 2000 election.

But that's all behind us now. Now we're facing the Pirate Bowl (Raider's v. Buccaneer's), the meeting of John Gruden's team from last year (R) and his new team (B), the first time in Super Bowl history that the NFL's number 1 ranked offense is playing against the number 1 ranked defense. As just a football fan, I'm very excited.

As a cynical critic of all I survey, I have more to say on the subject (surprise).

The Super Bowl is a huge event in the United States. It's the most coveted time of the year for advertisers, so much so that 40% of the people surveyed by Time Magazine who intend to watch this Sunday, said they intend to watch for the commercials alone. THE COMMERCIALS ALONE! That means for every 3 people watching the game, there's another 2 who don't care who wins, never heard of the tuck rule, can't distinguish between Jerry Rice and Simeon Rice, think that "Gruden" is a brand of fishsticks. These people are watching this show for the parts where the show isn't on. These people aren't tuning in to see Gannon, Brown, Sapp, Lynch, and Johnson; these people are tuning in to see Budweiser, Nike, Pepsi, Ford, and Sprint. It boggles the mind when you really think about it.

The relationship between the Super Bowl and marketing is common knowledge. You study it in business classes, advertisers pay millions for 30 seconds, even your government has taken notice. It seems longer ago than last year when the U.S. government launched its campaign to blame 15 year old pot smokers for funding Osama bin Laden's attacks on NYC. Sometime since then, the blame spread to SUV owners. I'm hoping to see a new ad from Bush's cronies this year, maybe pointing the finger at old ladies, puppies, Eminem, janitors, maybe even the NFL itself. Actually, what I'd really like to see is a federally sponsored commercial that blames 9/11 on the Reagan administration, but I'm not holding my breath.

Sunday's marketing power is such that it starts long before this Sunday. This is the time of year when Best Buy, Good Guys, and Circuit City are inciting feelings of self-consciousness and dissatisfaction regarding how many inches you have. Penis envy is only measured in inches in one way other than literal penis size - television! Admittedly, I have succumbed. I have it in my head now that I am in desperate need of a bigger television. I need, NEED, a bigger screen, letterboxed, with picture-in-picture. I need to impress others with the power of my digital comb filter. NEED, I say!

Will my better judgment and bank account submit to my need? We'll know come Sunday.